What. EVER.

Why do Gen X people always single out Millennials for criticism? It’s always, “Hey, when I was in school you had to learn cursive, but now Millennials are too lazy,” or “these Millennials spend too much time on their phones, and it’s not as wholesome as the Atari console I used to play.” Yeah, we get that MTV used to have music videos but you get that we didn’t lobby to have that changed, right? It seems like you’ve had more of a say in making the world that Millennials have to live in, and it’d be nice if you actually “took responsibility,” to use a term that Gen Xers seem fond of. What gives?

—I Wrote This In Emoji

What’s your DAMAGE, IWTIE?

Sorry for being a Gen-X-splainer, but I’m gonna do it: Well Actually, friend, it was the Boomers who did all that shit, and it’s the Boomers who are complaining that you don’t know cursive. Fuck cursive! And anyone who tells you that the 19 hours a day they spent playing Atari was somehow more wholesome than whatever it is disaffected youngsters now do in their basements is just in denial about their own sociopathic tendencies.

But I swear, for the most part the primary complainers about Millennials – or those whose plaints are actually listened to by literally anyone — are Boomers. Outside of a niche subset of the film industry between the years 1991-1997, nobody listens to us. Ever.

You don’t like being blamed for young people’s shit, like that “startup” called Bodega literally invented to kill the bodega? Or the other startup where a “group rideshare” picks up riders on specific street corners at a specific schedule for a small fee, aka a FUCKING BUS? Well, I don’t like being blamed for old people’s bullshit either, man.

I know I look 900, but that’s just because my daughter sucks out my life force and I wake up every morning like that puckered corpse in Arachnophobia after the dinner-plate-sized spider spends three days feasting on it. But I’m only 42, and I have no influence in the world. 

PS I only got three “C” grades in my entire life. Two were in college during my junior year of work strike against Heinrich von Kleist and William Wordsworth, and the other one was in the fourth grade, in “penmanship,” and now I’m a professional writer, ipso facto, cursive has literally no purpose.