I feel like this question is a trap

“What Do GenXers around the world think of Donald Trump?”

—Some Random Nobody

Dear SRN:

Well, SRN, as my daughter says in regard to such pressing issues as how many zeroes are in a vintigllion (sixty-three? I think it’s sixty-three), LET’S LOOK IT UP. (By “around the world” I assume you mean “in a very small cross-section of famous American people,” because I am extremely lazy and this is about all I can manage to look up right now.)

Despite his close familiar resemblance to a 900-year-old bridge troll, Texas senator Raphael Eduardo “Ted” Cruz was actually born in 1970, and is a mere six Earth Human years older than I am and a full-blown middle-Xer, though he has the soul of a Prohibition-era segregation enforcer, a professional shutter-down of speakeasies and carrier-out of Jim Crow. His feelings about Donald Trump are complex, in that he absolutely one hundred percent loathes Donald Trump but has decided to commit the rest of his political life to the act of licking Donald Trump’s boots to pander to the plurality of his own voting base who are so in love with their own racism that they don’t care about the fact that Donald Trump essentially views them as useful cockroaches.

Ted Cruz’s onetime senate opponent, Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke, was born in 1972, which makes him four years older than myself and another hard-core Middle-Xer, and also, I guess unrelatedly, the recently-ex member of congress and probable 2020 presidential candidate I would be least horrified to learn had somehow impregnated me. He thinks Donald Trump is a grade-A fuckface, because Donald Trump is a grade-A fuckface.

Kellyane Elizabeth Conway, Donald Trump’s…I don’t know, handmaiden? I don’t know what she does besides suck all the good and love out of any room she enters, was born in 1967, which makes her an early-middle GenXer. She unabashedly adores Donald Trump. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, at 36 years old and born in 1982, I’m gonna go ahead and say the Millennials can have, so I don’t give a fuck what she thinks (also, I don’t give a fuck what she thinks in general).

Edward Louis Severson III, aka Eddie Vedder, was born in 1964 and is an early-Xer, and really, really, really thinks Donald Trump is a fuckface. Though I am not close, personal friends with Eddie Vedder, I do recognize him (as do we all) as GenX’s Official Spokesgrunger, and as such I can definitively say that Eddie Vedder has, like me, long held that opinion. Not only does Trump’s current incarnation as president stand against everything the non-evil subsection of GenX stands for, Trump’s dipshit materialism and actions toward women in the ’80s and ’90s is also essentially the Anti-X and has always been. Let’s just say that ’92 era Trump would listen to Citizen Dick’s iconic anthem “Touch Me I’m Dick” and not get the irony.

Anyway, let’s all welcome me back from my “vacation,” which largely consisted of getting and then eventually vanquishing a sinus infection from a children’s museum in Arizona. Please don’t send me any more questions about Donald Trump.

besides recreational bike shorts, I’m assuming

What did GenXers get really wrong? What core cultural “truths” that we held to be self-evident have proven to be just wrong or haven’t aged well?

Can I Still Pull Off a Mushroom Cut


Sometimes the snow comes down in June, sometimes the sun goes round the moon, and sometimes it takes twenty years to figure out that aggressive rejection of selling out, aka commercial popularity, was never going to result in the general devaluation of the commercially popular, but rather the near-immediate displacement in the zeitgeist by a new generation more aggressively acquisitive than any before it.

In that vein, Ask a GenXer is going on a Break for the holidays, and in this paradigm I am Ross and work is Rachel.

Bring on the Feats of Strength, and I’m Audi 5000 till January.

Wednesday Speed Round

Why was “Friends” so popular? Who was better, Oasis or Blur? Why did I fall asleep at The Stone Roses’ Spike Island gig when it turns out to be have been a seminal moment in pop culture? And why did so few people point out at the time that the Clinton/Lewinsky affair was a textbook example of a powerful man (in fact, the most powerful) sexually exploiting an intern?

—Why Yes, I’m English

Wa-hey WYIE:

Because everyone secretly wants to be a thin white person living in an improbably sized New York apartment that somehow has no functioning door lock, and/or because late-season Seinfeld got too nihilistic for some of the younger people (who were not me). Oasis is the better Dionysian band and Blur is the better Apollonian band. Because you were drunk? (Ian Brown would be proud.) I’m pretty sure that in AMERICA, people literally did, and you were too busy stuffing yourself with kidney pies at OXBRIDGE or passing out to “Elephant Stone” to notice.

My favorite band is the Wiggles

So I was at a party with some millennials a few weeks ago and they asked me who my favorite band was. And I answered as confidently as I always have since 1984, The Police. There are plenty of other types of music that I like and I have lots of bands I like. But the Police were just “THE BAND” for me forever. I hardly even listen to them anymore but when I do, I still love them. Is the idea that there is a band that you love and will always love something just Gen X has? Is your favorite band from when you were 18 still your favorite band or must you pretend to love trap music so a not to feel hopelessly old?

—Don’t Stand So Close To Me With That Vape Pen

Doo doo doo doo, doo da da da is all I have to say to you, DSSCTMWTVP.

If you were “at a party” and did not have to leave that party at 6:45 p.m. to a) attend to the whims of a miniature tyrant or b) go to the chiropractor, I hesitate to believe you are a Gen-Xer. NICE TRY, FAKER!

…and are they in CURSIVE?

Do people write each other love letters any more? 

— An Epistolary Romance (with Mix Tapes)

My Dearest & Most Cherished AER(WMT),

Beats the shit out of me. I’ve been with the same dude for thirteen years and the closest to a love letter I’ve ever gotten is a post-it on the oven that says “light on the cheese on my side of the pizza please.” The last “love note” I got was in 1994 and it was mostly Hermann Hesse quotes.

Yours in Faithfulness & c.,

Dr. Mrs. Rebecca Schuman, M.F.A., M.A., Ph.D.