I feel like this question is a trap

“What Do GenXers around the world think of Donald Trump?”

—Some Random Nobody

Dear SRN:

Well, SRN, as my daughter says in regard to such pressing issues as how many zeroes are in a vintigllion (sixty-three? I think it’s sixty-three), LET’S LOOK IT UP. (By “around the world” I assume you mean “in a very small cross-section of famous American people,” because I am extremely lazy and this is about all I can manage to look up right now.)

Despite his close familiar resemblance to a 900-year-old bridge troll, Texas senator Raphael Eduardo “Ted” Cruz was actually born in 1970, and is a mere six Earth Human years older than I am and a full-blown middle-Xer, though he has the soul of a Prohibition-era segregation enforcer, a professional shutter-down of speakeasies and carrier-out of Jim Crow. His feelings about Donald Trump are complex, in that he absolutely one hundred percent loathes Donald Trump but has decided to commit the rest of his political life to the act of licking Donald Trump’s boots to pander to the plurality of his own voting base who are so in love with their own racism that they don’t care about the fact that Donald Trump essentially views them as useful cockroaches.

Ted Cruz’s onetime senate opponent, Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke, was born in 1972, which makes him four years older than myself and another hard-core Middle-Xer, and also, I guess unrelatedly, the recently-ex member of congress and probable 2020 presidential candidate I would be least horrified to learn had somehow impregnated me. He thinks Donald Trump is a grade-A fuckface, because Donald Trump is a grade-A fuckface.

Kellyane Elizabeth Conway, Donald Trump’s…I don’t know, handmaiden? I don’t know what she does besides suck all the good and love out of any room she enters, was born in 1967, which makes her an early-middle GenXer. She unabashedly adores Donald Trump. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, at 36 years old and born in 1982, I’m gonna go ahead and say the Millennials can have, so I don’t give a fuck what she thinks (also, I don’t give a fuck what she thinks in general).

Edward Louis Severson III, aka Eddie Vedder, was born in 1964 and is an early-Xer, and really, really, really thinks Donald Trump is a fuckface. Though I am not close, personal friends with Eddie Vedder, I do recognize him (as do we all) as GenX’s Official Spokesgrunger, and as such I can definitively say that Eddie Vedder has, like me, long held that opinion. Not only does Trump’s current incarnation as president stand against everything the non-evil subsection of GenX stands for, Trump’s dipshit materialism and actions toward women in the ’80s and ’90s is also essentially the Anti-X and has always been. Let’s just say that ’92 era Trump would listen to Citizen Dick’s iconic anthem “Touch Me I’m Dick” and not get the irony.

Anyway, let’s all welcome me back from my “vacation,” which largely consisted of getting and then eventually vanquishing a sinus infection from a children’s museum in Arizona. Please don’t send me any more questions about Donald Trump.


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