Well, how else are they gonna listen to that sweet Spin Doctors bootleg? Have you thought about that?

I’m a millennial married to a gen-Xer (or tail-end baby boomer depending on how you define it). My partner brought to the relationship a set of stereo equipment dating from the early 80 to 2000s: set of 5-foot-high Time Window speakers, amplifier Yamaha double tape deck (yes tapes!), 5-disk CD player. All of this takes up considerable space in the living room of our small apartment, and we NEVER listen to it! We got a bluetooth speaker 2 years ago and we both use either it or our computers to listen to music, podcasts, radio, etc. My partner will not hear of even putting the stuff into storage for someday when we have  a larger house, much less giving it away. What do you think?

— So I Married a Hoarder

SIMAH:

WOMAN! 
Whoa, man,
Whoooooooooooooooooooa, man!
Boomin’ the bass!
Junk in my space!
Get this shit out of my house!

Does anyone else remember that in 1993, Mike Myers’ character Charlie in So I Married an Axe Murderer makes an entire full-ass living as a shitty coffeehouse slam poet, who just self-plagiarizes the same tired quasi-misogynistic shite every single…I don’t even know how often he performs? But he lives in like a fancy house in San Francisco? Also, just as improbably, the soundtrack to this film features both versions of “There She Goes?” And that “There She Goes” is about heroin? Which does not feature in So I Married An Axe Murderer? That shit was legit my favorite movie for like five years. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yeah. That is some borderline-Hoarders bullshit and completely inexcusable. What sort of emotional attachment does your spouse (who may or may not be a wo-man, it’s just that I had to make it fit with the poem, you see) have to this ridiculously outdated piece of equipment that, yes, cost a lot of money at the time it was procured but would scarcely beckon $25 at a garage sale now, given that it probably has no way to be hooked up to a phone?

Don’t be direct about it, because Gen-Xers think directness is way moody —but see if you can use whatever gentle manipulation you usually use to have delicate conversations with your spouse, and try to find out what’s really behind the attachment to the stereo system (that, by the way, is what we used to call it: a stereo system). Once you have made it clear that you value and honor whatever real thing is actually there (again, not directly but with actions that may or may not include accompanying your spouse on a trip to the record store), maybe your partner will come to their senses and get rid of that shit themselves. 

In unrelated news, my parents still have both their 60s-issue hi-fi (which now only operates in mono) and the Stereo System (with a six-6D changer and a DOUBLE TAPE DECK and an AM and FM radio!) my dad bought “for my mom” (she never used it) in their living room today, despite the fact that the only thing either of them ever listens to is NPR podcasts on the kitchen Bose thingy.

Jane, get me off this crazy thing…called love!

BONUS: Which version of “There She Goes” is better?



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3 thoughts on “Well, how else are they gonna listen to that sweet Spin Doctors bootleg? Have you thought about that?

  1. AAAAAH we literally have a vhs tape of “So I Married An Axe Murderer” on the shelf of the “stereo system” HOW DID YOU KNOW.

    Wo-man!

    Like

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