9021-no

I do not know how I feel about these nostalgic 90s reboots of television shows and movies. What would a reboot of Reality Bites be like?

I DO NOT THINK IT’S A GOOD IDEA.

-NOT charmed, I’m NOT sure

What’s the dillio NCINS,

I, too, do not know how I feel about these nostalgic 90s reboots of television shows and movies. Or what about the new Charlie’s Angels, which is a nostalgic reboot of an early-aughts reboot of a 70s franchise? I don’t care if Noah Centineo is wearing very short shorts in it, it seems ridiculous. (I am aware Noah Centineo is young enough to be my child, and I’m busy dealing with my own feelings about whether that does or does not count as a LeTourneau move.)

The only reboot I’ve checked out is the new super-woke Charmed, which is…aight. I never really watched OG Charmed, and to be honest I think of it more as an early-aughts show anyway, given the depths to which Alyssa Milano’s trousers sunk on her torso in the late stages of the program (also, I distinctly remember writing trivia questions about Charmed for my weird TV-trivia-writing job, which I had from 2002-2005, RIP RTV, LOL).

As to the more important question at hand, however: What would a 2018 reboot of Reality Bites look like? Would it just be Destination Wedding, but with Ethan Hawke in the Keanu role? (Digression: Apparently Destination Wedding is a terrible film, but I really enjoyed it. It has the single most absurd sex scene I’ve ever witnessed, and also Winona and Keanu together are *chef’s kiss*).

Would it be a nostalgia reboot for the old people that has 2018 Troy getting Hey, That’s My Bike back together for a midlife crisis reunion tour of Greater Houston while Lelaina is feeling unfulfilled in her role as work-at-home helicopter mother? And then when Lelaina is shuttling the kids to trampoline self-actualization class or whatever, she gets distracted when one of them accidentally pulls up one of those creepy fake children’s YouTubes that shows the Paw Patrols dismembering each other or whatever, and she gets into a fender bender and it’s BEN STILLER AGAIN?????? And while she and Troy were so obsessed with their waify authenticity they didn’t notice they’ve become insufferable middle-aged caricatures of their former selves, Ben Stiller just stayed his actually authentic douche bag self the whole time and now he’s actually the more authentic one???? THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHT ME.

I realize that what you are actually asking, NCINS, is what a reboot of Reality Bites starring today’s young people would be like — one that tackled the issues that they face, and the various ways in which their reality does or does not “bite.” Who is today’s Winona? Who is today’s Ethan? (Probably Timotheé Chalamet?) Who is today’s Janeane? Will there be cameos in parental or grand-parental roles by actual Winona, Ethan or Janeane? Who(m) will those cameos serve, since our young people don’t know who any of those legends are?

To al this I say: I don’t give a fuck, because nobody with any sense has even the remotest desire to watch that self-serving vacuous bullshit — ooh, another thing about young people! Great! Won’t someone please tell me more about what these young people are like,? Because they don’t get enough attention in the media!

This thing would probably have some character who invents a revolutionary app-based disruption of the transportation paradigm, but that app will actually just be bus stop, but they won’t know that because they’ve never seen a real bus stop before, and I am infuriated just imagining this, and I just want to go watch Singles again to cleanse my brain.